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By Nicole Harbour - Author of Harboring Gratitude
My words and actions have caused rifts in some of my closest relationships.
In the past, any such rifts would have sent my brain into overdrive, tormenting me until they
were resolved. I could never stomach the thought of upsetting anyone I loved.
But now I am left to wonder if something is wrong with me. Why I no longer feel compelled to repair the damage. It’s not that I don’t love them or feel bad for hurting them.
I do.
The problem is that I am no longer the person they want me to be.
While my family and friends rally behind the idea of my healing and growth, it hits differently
when it affects them.
Those are the hidden costs of healing. The ones that permeate the process and bleed into
every corner of your life.
Learning how my personality and behaviors contributed to unhealthy romantic relationships
forced me to examine the other close relationships in my life.
And led to an eye-opening conclusion…
A lifetime of people-pleasing trains everyone around you to expect it.
With no reason to suspect that behavior would end, they are hurt when you finally erect
boundaries and stand firmly behind them.
Powerless to make them feel better, you start wondering when your empathy turned to apathy.
Are you becoming the narcissist, devoid of caring about anyone but yourself?
Unlike a narcissist, however, you are holding yourself accountable, not only for your present but also for your past.
Although you are keenly aware that people are hurt and disappointed when you start prioritizing your own needs for the first time, it is the only way to reclaim yourself.
You understand their sense of loss and confusion.
You know that it is your fault. After all, you are the one who unilaterally changed the terms of
your relationship agreements.
But you can’t fix it because the person who entered into those partnerships no longer exists.
Even when your heart yearns for the comfort of reverting to the original terms, your mind knows the cost is too great.
Some days, you dream about running away and starting somewhere fresh. A new place with
people who don’t know the old you. People who won’t be disappointed by the boundaries you have in place because they only know the person you are today, not the people-pleaser you used to be.
Call me naive, but I pictured happiness, sunshine, and rainbows as I emerged from the healing process. Days full of fun and laughter with the people I love most, not dark clouds and disappointment.
I did not expect that healing myself would come at the expense of hurting anyone else.
It is a high price to pay, but I know it will be worth it.
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